What men want

It has been a long time coming, but men are realising that if they want to be successful in the mating game they have to present a good package that will stand out in a cluttered and competitive marketplace.

"The business of forming relationships has now come to resemble choice in a market," says Raewyn Connell, a University of Sydney academic and social scientist specialising in masculinities. "People are pressured to package themselves as commodities; a familiar process for women, now increasingly applying to men.

Historically, the process of forming a family or household has changed, once being the business of the extended family and community, now being strongly individualised."

Brisbane financial planner David Wilcock, 29, agrees that presentation is an important factor. "To be blatantly honest, if a man is seeking a confident, positive, motivated, driven, attractive, career-minded female, he is going to have to be on the ball and a lot more cognisant of the way he looks, acts (and) dresses than in the old days," Wilcock says.

Enhancing your good points while disguising your flaws is something women learn from an early age. "I think it is something that is fairly new to a lot of guys and it is becoming more and more necessary as time goes on," Wilcock admits.

Noel Giblett, the manager of counselling services at Lifeline WA, says this is a big change for Australian men.

"Australian men have traditionally had an attitude of 'take it or leave it'," he says. He encourages men and women to work on the inside as well as the outside package. "There is a world of difference between the shop window and the quality of the person inside. It all comes out in the wash eventually, and thankfully many men and women are putting in the work on the inside: authentic personal work via counselling, reading, self-examination," Giblett says.

Speak to single 20 and thirtysomething men who are actively seeking a partner and they say they are not being too picky, nor are the women they are chasing. "I don't think women are picky enough," says Peter Ricci, 38, who runs his own software development company.

Wilcock agrees. "There are still a lot of women out there who are not very picky and are very keen to settle down with someone - even if you are not really what they are ideally looking for - usually because they are seeking security, their friends are shacked up and/or they are feeling the pressure of the biological clock," he says.

Men playing the mating game are open about what they are looking for in a woman: someone who is happy within herself; someone who can laugh at herself; compatibility, and not just physical compatibility; someone you can have a conversation with; someone intelligent, fun, attractive; and the X factor.

Attributes that Wilcock finds attractive in a woman are "a great sense of humour; genuine and down-to-earth; she's a challenge; confident without being cocky; affectionate; someone who is motivated and driven (being successful is irrelevant); fun to be around; likes sport and is relatively active".

Perth stockbroker Dale Raynes, 27, admits he has to like the way a woman looks. "There has to be a physical attraction between the two of you," he says. "I'd like to have that feeling where you walk into a party or barbecue or whatever and see them and know they're it."

Ricci thinks sometimes it's easier to explain what you don't want; for example, unhappy, overly serious women are out. And he is not willing to settle for less than what he wants. "You really have to get that zing straight away and I'm not as willing to take a punt on a relationship any more. Each relationship has to be a step above the last. As you get older you don't want to compromise as much."

Canberra policy adviser Ben Suidgeest, 30, agrees the pros and cons of his last relationship help shape his next. "What you look for is what your last partner wasn't," he says.

While women get a bad rap for judging a man by the size of his wallet, men say money is not important. "Money is just completely a non-issue," Ricci says. Says Wilcock: "Educational background and financial situation is not an overriding concern for me."

Suidgeest agrees money isn't a huge factor, "but if someone in their 30s hasn't achieved certain things, you've got to wonder what they've been doing with their money. I'd like someone who can keep up with my lifestyle."

And contrary to popular belief, men say they are looking for long-term relationships, not just the short-term conquests. "I have no doubt that most guys would like to settle down," Wilcock says. "Most see the attraction in having a stable, secure long-term partner, especially if they would like to have children one day. I don't think there is too much difference between what men and women are looking for, it's just sometimes in the timing of it."

Suidgeest wants a wife and children but he doesn't want to rush. "At this stage the next person you meet could be the person you marry and have kids with," he says. "What I want is the opportunity for a relationship to grow and progress at a reasonable rate. You shouldn't have to be on a timetable to move in together, get married and have children, but there's pressure from within and outside to race through the steps."

Men admit they feel pressured to find a partner as they sink deeper into their 30s but are relieved they are not slave to the loud ticking many women in the same age bracket hear. Raynes knows the gentle jibes he receives from his married friends about his single status are well intended. "There is a lot of pressure from your friends," he says. "It's good-natured but it does grate. It's a bit easier because I don't have to give birth to the children, so I have more time on my side."

Ricci is also relaxed about the time it is taking him to find a mate. "It would be fantastic if it happened soon," he says. "If it doesn't, well, I have plenty of time." So if men and women agree they're not too picky and they both have relatively similiar wants and needs, why are so many struggling to find that special someone? Suidgeest says time is a key factor. "Most blokes have the skills to talk to women, but it's the opportunity to meet someone that is the barrier," he argues.

Long work hours cut into social time when men and women get to meet each other. "You work long hours and when you go out sometimes you just want to spend the time catching up with your mates," Ricci says. "I don't think a pub is the place to meet a woman. I think the best way to meet women is to do different things with your life, expand your social circle."

Raynes says the strong, mixed friendship groups most thirtysomethings have developed could also be working against them. "If I see a girl, sometimes I'm hesitant to approach her if she's out with a few guys because I'm not sure if she's single," he says.

Fear also plays a part. "As we get older we get a little bit more selfish with our time. You'd rather spend the time alone relaxing with a good book or with your friends than take the risk on someone you're not really sure about. It's all about the comfort zone," Raynes says.

Men are aware that marriage is an attractive option. Divorce rates are falling and the health benefits - for men at least - have been widely publicised. An Australian Bureau of Statistics report comparing death rates during the 1980s and '90s found single men had death rates two to four times higher than married men. The death rate for married men aged 35 to 39 was 0.9 for each 100,000, but for unmarried men in the same age group it jumped to 3.6.

A study of 60 to 70-year-olds in Dubbo in western NSW puts it more succinctly: Marriage adds almost a year to a man's life. Unfortunately, it's not such a healthy life choice for women. Married women are third in the healthiest list, behind single women and married men.

While differences between men and women are what make the mating game, and life, interesting, there's one difference some men would like women to change.

Ricci's advice to all single women is that it is very easy to tell if a man is interested. "I guarantee that if a guy likes them they will be left in no doubt whatsoever," he says. "If he said he'd call you on Monday and it's Wednesday and he hasn't called, then get over it and move on. There's no excuse, it's a sign. That's the difference between men and women. Men get the signal."

Source: The Australian, 27 June 2006