Sex & Love in relationships – keeping connected

Threshold Magazine: Edition No. 92, April 2008

Based on the Perth Workshop 2008, Books & research by Dr Pat Love ED As a woman, I am very aware that it is difficult not to be, or to be perceived as being "female-centric" when working with couples. I was therefore delighted to attend the Love, Sex and Relationships Workshop conducted by Pat Love and sponsored by Suzie Itzsetin & Shelton Huettig of Love-Relationship Matters and Living Now magazine which was held in Perth recently. The workshop was based on Pat’s research and her latest book written together with Steven Stosny "Why women talk and men walk – how to improve your relationship without discussing it". Bearing in mind societies’ bias to "communicate, communicate", it would be easy to question whether this notion of improving your relationship "without discussing it" is simply a gimmick or a quick fix? I soon discovered that it is anything but - involving second order change working from one’s core values! Within the constraints of a short article I will attempt to share with you some of their thinking, however before beginning we need to familiarize with a few concepts, namely:-

1. that feelings, when rooted in history, are not necessarily the best yardstick for what will serve us well moving forward. In a nutshell, we tend to feel comfortable with the familiar, however the familiar may not be what is best for us. At times we need to sit with the "discomfort" of the unfamiliar as we move forward and explore what is a better alternative. I can still hear Pat’s voice, "sit with the discomfort and do what’s best for the relationship"!

2. that men are essentially physiologically designed to "Protect and Provide" and women to "Tend and Befriend". When men feel inadequate, shame is evoked and they experience a cortisol dump, apparently much like an electric shock and they tend to become angry and/or shut down (stonewall). Women on the other hand women, when feeling anxious, stressed or isolated, become fearful and tend to criticize or blame. Whilst behind this criticism there is a desire to move closer, the criticism evokes shame in men and they withdraw more, which in turn increases fear in women - a vicious circle? Put simply, women talk (to feel better) to connect whereas men need to connect to talk!

3. Connection (my interpretation): that mental, emotional, physical or spiritual energy or vibration that attracts us to one another. It can change over time. Let’s begin…

Mother Nature’s Impact In terms of sex and love in relationships, Mother nature has a wonderful way of getting us humans together to procreate. For instance, as the Swiss T-shirt research has shown, we are attracted to someone whose DNA has different immunities from ours – a natural way of providing better equipped offspring! Another example can be seen in the wonderful cocktail of chemicals, noradrenalin, phenylehtylamine and dopamine we release when we are attracted to someone. These chemicals produce feelings similar to those experienced when one is on amphetamines - a "feel good – have no fear" effect. This "high" is what is portrayed in so many of the films we see and stories we read, Romeo and Juliet, Shirley Valentine, Two Days in Paris and The Story of Us to name but a few. These stories tend to end at this stage – the romantic stage of love – without showing us how or what happens next. As the chemical "high" tends to equalize after about six to eighteen months, both parties will revert to their normal "default" libidos. One may be "hot to trot" and the other very "lazy". Just what has happened? Does this mean that we have fallen out of love?

The different stages of love Not necessarily. It is at this point that we need to become aware of ourselves, our "default" libidos and what makes us aroused. Both men and women tend to fit into one of three levels of libido – low desire (low testosterone or Low-T), medium desire and high desire (high testosterone or High-T) libidos. When the ‘honeymoon period’ wears off, the high desire person remains high desire, whilst the low desire person will revert to their norm, low desire, and this can become quite problematic for couples, especially when the "fear-shame" pattern kicks in. Let’s take a closer look. When the overtures of a high desire person are rebuffed, they experience great discomfort. "Your body tightens, you have trouble sleeping, you can’t rest, sexual thoughts occupy your mind and sex becomes more important than it should be". It is difficult for a low desire person to comprehend this, after all for them there is low desire so no loss!

Let’s look at a few examples and how the fear-blame scenario can impact the relationship. "When a woman refuses sex, a man typically thinks, I’m not important or I’m inadequate as a lover. Shame prompts him to be angry or shut down" (withdrawal/stonewall). When a woman refuses sex it’s often because she just doesn’t feel like having sex, yet she consciously or unconsciously blames him for her lack of response. "Well, he used to turn me on – it must be his fault?" In addition, her refusal can also trigger her fear of isolation and motivate her to seek comfort through other means, often friends or work!

When he refuses her, she often thinks, I’m not attractive or He doesn’t love me which activates her fears and tends to evokes a blame/complain response – a cry for connection – which in turn makes a man feel inadequate and evokes shame and shutdown/anger, too.

It is interesting to note that about two thirds of women are not interested in sex until they are having it, and don’t feel aroused until just prior to orgasm. When couples understand their own sexual cycles, and the importance of sex not only in terms of deepest intimacy but also in terms of one’s physical and mental health, it is easier to sit with the feeling (I don’t feel like it) and go ahead and have sex anyway – as its good for the relationship! Pat and Steven provide about twenty good reasons of why sex is so good for us, but one in particular I believe is definitely worth keeping in mind. When getting married would we ever sign a contract which said: "I expect you to be monogamous however don’t expect me to fulfil your needs for sex?" I think this is a great wake-up call! If we get in the "zone" of our partner, then working from our core values (of which love or support are bound to be included) and choose our responses from these core values instead of from resentment, we are truly on the way to creating second order or "real" change.

Let’s get practical. Are High Desire and Low Desire persons incompatible?

Not necessarily. In fact difference can add excitement and variety, vital in a healthy relationship. In terms of overcoming the seemingly "unsurmountable" - keeping both high- and low- desire persons happy - Pat and Steven suggest a very simple formula which may at first sound a little intimidating. The high desire person says "WHEN" (the high desire will sound happy and low desire horrified?) however, wait for it, the low desire person says "HOW"!

Let’s explore some examples. As the Low Desire person takes a long time to become aroused, they may require their High Desire partner to give them a couple of hours warning, or want some help with the evening chores around the home so that they can "de-stress" and therefore be more ready for sex. The Low Desire person may also suggest the form that the sex takes, for example whether it is a quickie, making love, romantic love or adventurous sex. Using this "when" and "how" formula, there is no anxiety from deprivation or guilt, both parties are accommodated and sex as an issue can become a non event. In addition, as deprivation increases need, when the actual needs of the High Desire person are being fulfilled, there is no longer deprivation and two differently wired libidos can enjoy their own unique and wonderful rhythm. This connection, when maintained, releases great hormones (oxytocin) into our bodies which bodes well for the health of our relationship. In terms of a lasting relationship we need to proactively nurture and protect our connection – that connection which first brought us together.

"Real" love is a choice

Most of us experience the impact of, for example, children, work, re-location, redundancy and/or promotions, travel, separations due to work at some stage in our lives. These and other factors all put a strain on both our bodies and our relationships and if we don’t take care of ourselves, who will? Variety and work-life balance is key, as is a dose of sunshine and some daily exercise or walking.

We need to be aware of and to take a stock check of our own "state of being." In order to remain positive and happy our batteries do need to be charged. If always tired or unmotivated, do get a check up to see if you have a chemical imbalance. For example, if we are serotonin deficient, we simply cannot put ‘mind over matter’ and it can easily lead to depression. Thyroid deficiency is another common problem. It is very easy to "blame" one’s lack of motivation, tiredness and stress on our relationship when it may be caused by other things. Maybe we just spread ourselves too thin. We can do anything but not everything! It is important to be realistic.

Whilst sex is only afforded 15 % importance in a good relationship, it becomes 85 % when things are rocky. What more motivation do we need to take care of ourselves and having a great sex life keeping ourselves connected with our partners? Based on "Why women talk and men walk - how to improve your relationship without discussing it" by Pat Love and Steven Stosny, published by Vermilion. It is a great read filled with excellent examples – I strongly recommend it.