Are you The Collector or The Eliminator?

The Collector is comfortable with him/herself, happy to make friends with whoever comes along. He/she is not judgmental and is not desperate to find Mr/Ms Right. He/she is relaxed and prepared to enjoy the journey.

The Collector is popular, treats everyone like a friend and does not judge them as a prospective partner but allows everyone into their sphere so that they have the choice of all of them.

That way they are learning about themselves – what they want and what they don't want. They may even end up with the best friend of one of the friends they make. They are open to all opportunities, but the main thing is that they are enjoying the journey and it's obvious.

We tell our members that you don't have to worry about 'finding a partner', all you have to do is ensure you are likeable so that people like you. We are all attracted to popular people and people who are happy in life.

The Eliminator on the other hand has the attitude that how you find a partner is by process of elimination. 'No not her, no not her, not her, not her, aha I like her!' However, she won't like him because her instincts will tell her that he is only out for himself, he is self-seeking.

The Eliminator often has no brothers or if male no sisters. She views all men as a boyfriend - a date or not a date – rarely treats men as friends.

She believes in the great myth that you see in movies and TV programs that love starts with instant chemistry. She drops the parcel, he picks it up – their eyes meet and they live happily ever after. She says, "I don't want to make friends, I just want Mr Right".

One Eliminator, a very attractive lady of 45 who is very keen to have a child said to me. "There must be chemistry - on the first meeting – because I want to have a child and he must be sexually attractive to me." I am having great difficulty getting across to her that real attraction doesn't come from looks but from the mind.

One thing I am very sure of – the longer it takes to feel that chemistry the more likely it is to last.

The Eliminator is afraid to make friends because she asks, "Wouldn't that encourage him unnecessarily? Build up his hopes falsely?" The Eliminator believes that one must not encourage anyone unnecessarily or it will build up false hopes.

Unfortunately The Eliminator, in being good at discouraging people, invariably also discourages the people that do interest her because she has difficulty in knowing when to draw the line.

I was hosting a New Year's Eve Dance for Entre Nous in 1997 and noticed a young architect standing on his own so I invited him to dance. He accepted but whilst we were dancing he was looking at me with 'the shutters drawn' or as one of my friends describes 'looking cross-eyed'.

What he was doing was letting me know that he wasn't interested in me. He felt he had to – to discourage me. Whereas I was treating him with courtesy, firstly as a client and secondly humanely by not leaving him on his own.

He certainly didn't interest me as a possible suitor and I was very surprised that he felt he needed to discourage me so obviously. I noticed the same young man again at an Entre Nous event in 2005 – 8 years later, he was then fifty and still single. I guess he was still The Eliminator.

The Eliminator doesn't follow the EN guidelines. He has the attitude that how you find a partner is by process of Elimination.

I recently had a discussion with a client of ours who teaches people to trade shares on the stock market.

I asked him about people who break the rules. He said, "The type of person who breaks the rules has a big ego. He wants it all bigger and better, wants it fast and wants it now, today, immediately – instant gratification – like a child wants.

He makes quick decisions and assumptions and the assumptions are usually wrong. He makes big mistakes and wants to blame everyone else for his disasters." Watch out for the Eliminator he says things like, I don't believe in the rules.

The eliminator uses language like: There are no decent men out there, I've never met the right type of person. I'm very fussy. I've got plenty of friends, I don't need any more.

After we introduce The Eliminator to people, they usually give negative feedback instead of looking for the qualities that they said they were seeking for a long-term relationship. His feedback reads like this: "No chemistry, nothing in common, we have totally different lifestyles."

"Nothing in common". We hear this remark after we have checked that two people have at least 12 things in common. What The Eliminator really means is: This person is a challenge and I am not prepared to accept a challenge. The Eliminator wants it all on a platter now.

Why should I take an interest? - During one of our Effective Communication Seminars one participant asked: "Why should I take an interest if I felt a person was really boring? Wouldn't that encourage him unnecessarily? Build up his hopes falsely?"

Our facilitator was showing people how to take an interest. How to look like a good listener, even if one is not interested in a person.

The answer, of course, is that one cannot save up one's 'good behaviour' for that 'special' person and behave in a 'disinterested way' to people who are not Mr/Ms Right. Because if that is our normal behaviour, it will flow over into our behaviour with a 'special' person.

If you are with a person you think is boring, hone your skills in bringing out the best in them anyway, so that when someone special comes along you'll be well practised at bringing the best out of others.

If your Mr/Ms Right has had a bad day or is not at their best unless you make the effort to bring out the best in them you may miss your opportunity to recognise your perfect partner.

Most people say that at the heart of what they want, is to feel that someone else recognises the best they have to offer. Whatever we want we have to give out. Practise giving out the attributes you are seeking in a prospective partner.

The Collector on the other hand treats all people warmly, is encouraging in a friendly manner but does not flirt. Therefore The Collector makes many friends who do not form the wrong impression.

When you treat people with courtesy, you are giving them confidence to help them succeed in finding a partner. They will not necessarily think you are 'after them' but be encouraged to continue on their journey to find that 'special' person.

Each time you take an interest and give an encouraging word that gives a person the confidence to keep going, you are assisting them in your own small way. And if you help enough people get what they want you will also get what you want.

When The Collector meets a 'special' person he is practised at making friends and finds it easy to attract a 'special' person.

Case History:
In the nineties Maureen joined Entre Nous. She was not really slim nor stunningly beautiful – just average - but she was warm and friendly to everyone. At cocktail parties she didn't 'only talk to the good looking people', she was friendly towards everyone.

Later on I heard this conversation in the Client Relations Department:
"Maurice, (he was voted by all the staff to be the best catch at Entre Nous) has formed a relationship".
"Oh really, who with?"
"Maureen"
"Oh, that makes sense, she has such a high self image, she would end up with our best catch."

This conversation tells the full story, it epitomizes what happens to The Collector because she is not afraid to be friendly to everyone. Unlike The Eliminator who has the attitude: 'Don't come near me because I don't want to end up with someone like you'.

The Eliminator, on the other hand, has difficulty attracting the people he/she wants to attract. The secret to finding the right partner is to have a wide choice. The Collector, you will notice is popular, makes many friends and therefore has a wide choice.

Everyone can become a Collector by taking an interest in each person they meet and meeting them more than twice, concentrating on looking for their good points not their negatives.

Many Collectors form a relationship with someone outside of Entre Nous maybe it is a friend of one of their introductions - because they allow them to become friends. Collectors have a higher than 90% chance of success whereas have a less than 10% chance of succeeding.

Are you The Collector or The Eliminator? Try the quiz on our home page.

To find out your personality type: click here
To find out "Are you ready for a relationship?": click here
Books by Rosalind Baker (nee Neville) Dial A Woman, Dial A Man & Dial A Personality: See our books
Questions: See our FAQ

Keywords: single men, single women, Mr Rihgt, Ms Right, introductions

For more information, please contact:

Rosalind Baker (nee Neville), Principal
Telephone: (03) 9669 6000 or 0402 017 243
Email: rb@entrenous.com.au

Books by Rosalind Baker (nee Neville):
Dial A Woman, Dial A Man & Dial A Personality

Questions: Frequenty Asked Questions