Between You and Me - There are no decent men out there!
by Rosalind Neville
There are many reasons why some women believe ‘there are no decent men out there’.
Every now and again, we see a newspaper article on the virtues of, or lack of, single men. The last one I recall was written by John Elder for The Age June 2002. He quoted several business women who not only declared that there were no decent men left in society but they also related stories of their unacceptable behaviour. Mostly these men were picked up at the pub or downloaded off an internet dating service – just the places one would expect to find cads of the worst type.
Statistics reveal that there are as many men as women available over thirty-five and more men under that age. They are reared by the same parents as women, attend the same schools and belong to the same society. In Australia, the sexes are mainly treated the same so there is no reason why they will not turn out the same.
This leads me to the question, is it a fair statement? ‘There are no decent men out there’.
There are three predominant reasons why women denigrate men: (i.) they don’t like men, (ii.) they don’t like themselves or (iii.) they lack confidence in themselves.
In my office, recently, Sue was referring to ‘this little man’ and ‘that little man’. I suggested that it was a derogatory term and asked her did she like men. She replied, “I think I do, but I must say, all my friends are women”. On enquiring whether she had a good relationship with her father, she replied: “No, but I resolved the issues before he died”. I suggested that perhaps she treated all men with the disrespect men that she felt for her father and thus her reference to ‘little men’. An intelligent woman, she was prepared to take consider my suggestions and discuss them with her counselor.
Patsy referred to her many ex-boyfriends as’ sleaze bags’. One very conservative academic was so shocked by his experience with Patsy he just had to tell me about it. On the first night he took Patsy out, after she had drunk more than her share of the wine, she invited up for coffee and within minutes proceeded to seduce him with an elaborate strip show. He said, “Her red underwear was more provocative than anything I had ever seen!” Over the years I knew Patsy, I heard other men hint at ‘the red underwear’. It seems that the term ‘sleaze bag’ was really a projection of Patsy’s own behaviour.
The third type ‘who cannot find any decent men’ are ‘the very fussy women’. At Entre Nous, I tell them that I have never met a man yet who wants a very fussy woman. The ‘very fussy woman’ is very concerned that she will end up with the wrong man. At parties, she is very careful not to speak to anyone who is remotely unlikely to be Mr Right. During the selection process, she has a long list of criterion that must be adhered to and will not relax her rules for anyone. To make it even more difficult she may also be very selective about his particular star sign or the year that he was born thus precluding 70 percent of the male population.
Patsy did not respect herself, Sue did not respect men, and ‘the very fussy woman’ lacks confidence in her ability to maintain a relationship with a man thus placing many obstacles in her way so that she does not have to face this challenge. For these women who say ‘there are no decent men’, much work on their own attitude is required before they can find a suitable partner and maintain a successful relationship.
When one finds oneself blaming others, the problem usually rests with oneself. First, look in the mirror for the fault before blaming others.
Recently a well-known psychologist was quoted as saying, “People do not change. They can be made aware of their behaviour and their behaviour can be modified but overall they are the same people and do not change.”
The key to modifying behaviour is to become aware of it. At Alcoholics Anonymous, members say that the first step is to admit that one has a problem and nothing can be done until the alcoholic accepts this.
At Entre Nous, as part of our relationship education series we teach a three a step behavioral modifying process.
1 Starting with the verse:
-
I can reveal the way I feel,
By the things I say and do
By changing the things I say and do
I can change my feelings too.
3 Behave in a manner that reveals you are convinced. Make a special effort to show you either (i.) respect men (ii.) respect yourself or (iii.) have faith in yourself.
It sounds very simple, and for some it is. Behaviour can be modified, especially if the need is great. For example, a woman with a burning desire to have children or someone who feels lonely without a partner. Others find it very difficult to modify behaviour and may spend years in counseling to achieve their goals. Often the greatest hurdle is that this person is afraid of change – afraid to step out of their comfort zone.
People prefer to stay with problems they understand rather than look for solutions that they’re uncomfortable with.
When the need is greatest, success is almost guaranteed. Our three point behavioral modifying process works brilliantly for all of the above behaviours. It also works very well for shy people. People who have never had a relationship before, form relationships. People who have serial relationships – one after another – form permanent relationships. People who considered themselves to be very fussy have changed into popular people, liking everyone, resulting in them forming a relationship with a partner that was the envy of all their friends.
When one can look in the mirror to find the problem, one is half way there. Once her problem is solved, ‘all the men she meets will be decent ones’.
Rosalind Neville is the principle of Entre Nous Relationship Consultants.