HOW FAR ARE YOU PREPARED TO COMPROMISE?

Are you prepared to settle for 2nd best?

Or third? . . . Or fourth? . . . Or fifth? . . . Or sixth? . . . Or even seventh?

Although we are told by experts that we must be prepared to give and take in a relationship, there is a definite demarcation as to when the compromise should begin.

Too many people, in their desire to be loved and to have that special relationship, forfeit their own needs to attract and please a prospective partner. In doing so they disregard their own worth.

Our idiosyncrasies and weaknesses are unique to each and everyone of us. Should we conceal them, we are concealing an integral part of us; almost like removing a cog from a wheel, throwing our normal functioning mechanism out of kilter. While this may have the desired effect in the short term, once we relax and drop our guard, concealed idiosyncrasies will reappear causing surprises that will no doubt be detrimental to the relationship long term.

For instance, the intelligent woman who plays the dumb blonde role because she believes that men feel threatened in the company of a woman with a high IQ. It was a blonde who said, `It isn't that gentlemen really prefer blondes, it's just that we look dumber'.

Why is it that so many men feel threatened by a clever woman? Perhaps it's because a woman only needs to know one man well, to understand all men; whereas a man may know many women but never understand one.

Or the aggressive woman who plays the passive, lay-back role for fear of frightening off possible suitors. Another example is Ava Gardner's comment, `Deep down I'm pretty superficial'.

No less at fault is the macho male who, to please a woman with cultivated tastes, professes to be interested in opera, ballet and classical music. Perhaps his manners are impeccable on the first few dates and after he believes he has won her heart, they are forgotten. In other words, he is every other inch a gentleman.

Which reminds me of American writer, Virginia Graham's remark, `In society it is etiquette for ladies to have the best chairs and get handed things. In the home the reverse is the case. This is why ladies are more sociable than gentlemen'.

Or the fellow who is out to impress, regaling his work achievements and his burning ambitions when he knows only too well he lacks the drive and tenacity and has little to be proud of. Oh well, time wounds all heels!

Your mistakes may not be quite as significant. Perhaps just subtle nuances . . . While writing this article I was called to the phone by an irate woman who had waited on a street corner to meet a blind date for an hour. I asked, `Why such an inconvenient meeting place?' (Which was not very helpful of me). She replied, `I asked if he was sure he wanted to meet there and he said it was OK by him'. It obviously was not OK by her but she preferred to play the passive role. No doubt if she had put her foot down and insisted on meeting at a place of her choosing he would not have ended up at the wrong corner. If he did stand her up, he probably would not have should she have offered him a challenge by asserting herself.

When does the compromise in a relationship begin? . . . Definitely after the relationship has been established as an equal partnership, and never before. Before is the time when we must establish who we really are and try to ascertain what type of person our prospective partner really is. Because remember, nothing is so good as it seems beforehand. We have forever and a day to spend on compromise. Which reminds me of a Jane Fonda story, she related, `My husband said he wanted a relationship with a redhead, so I dyed my hair red'.

At early meetings with members of the opposite sex, be yourself and act naturally. You may lessen your chances on a broader scale, but then remember only one person is enough to make up a wonderful partnership. You are hopefully not seeking a menagerie. And don't despair, your Mr or Mrs Right is out there. If at first you don't succeed you will eventually.

I firmly believe there is the perfect partner for each and everyone of us, and they usually appear when we are least expecting them. How devastating it would be to settle for a lemon, or pretend you are something you are not or compromise yourself, just for the sake of having somebody and then miss out on the perfect partner who would provide you with the happiness that you deserve.

If only we stopped trying to be happy we would have a really good time.

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