First Things First

Don’t be guilty of putting your life on hold

Is your life on hold? Have you shelved your life’s happiness for material or career goals? Do you consider your emotional happiness when you make important decisions about your life?

Many people ignore their own feelings. Quite often, a man who did not get on with his father does not like himself. He lacks self respect therefore he is hard on himself and does not allow himself life’s important pleasures. He does not nurture himself or make allowances for his own wellbeing. He ignores his emotional needs. Similarly, a woman who did not get on well with her mother will be hard on herself. She also ignores her emotional needs. She may be successful in her career and on the sporting field and is able to shelve her inner needs whilst she is busy pursuing career goals. However, one day she wakes up to wonder why a loving relationship or children have eluded her. She sees her friends, friends who perhaps are not as successful as she is, with loving family units. She cannot see that she has been her own worst enemy. She did not like herself enough to give herself a fair go.

We repeatedly hear of young people who have put off meeting the partner of their dreams until they have achieved other important goals; material goals or career based goals. There is the young man who wanted to have a prestigious car before he started searching for a woman. He thought it would be easier to attract a woman with the right car. Many young men want to purchase a house first. Others want to complete a PhD, or take a trip overseas. All plausible ambitions, however having a partner is part of life. Putting it off until you achieve life’s other goals is actually putting your life on hold. At Entre Nous, we have seen women miss having children because they delayed it until they had achieved their career goals and other material goals.

When the young man, who absolutely had to buy a house before he went in search of a partner, finds a woman, the first thing they do is sell his house and buy something that suits them both. The prestigious car is sold to pay for the furniture and the PhD is never sufficient compensation for missing out on having children. God realised that man would be lonely without a partner and that is why he produced Eve. That is why it is natural, the norm, for everyone to have a partner. Life’s goals are more easily reached with a partner. Partners provide support, help bear the load and are encouraging when encouragement and support are most needed. Married people will tell you how much easier it is to achieve goals with the support of a loving, caring partner. Statistics reveal that married people are usually more successful in their jobs, more reliable and balanced. Married men live longer and are healthier.

What’s the point in buying a house if you are going to live in it on your own? Or what’s the point of a prestigious motor vehicle if you are the only one in it? Achieving goals is part of life and having a partner is the ultimate for 99% of the population. Life cannot be compartmentalized, or put on hold because we don’t know how long we have to live it. At Entre Nous, we see too many people who leave their run too late. Not only have they wasted much of their life, but also they have developed habits that will make it very difficult to reach their goal of a loving relationship. Those who have spent their adult life living on one’s own, may have become selfish and set in their ways. This reduces their opportunities of easily forming a loving, long term relationship or at least makes the settling in with a partner a rocky journey.

Having the right partner is part of having the very best life. Many people put material things first because they don’t value their own worth. On one’s deathbed no one ever says, “I wish I had had a better car, job or education”. The only thing people regret on their deathbed is their life. There is only one person who can make that life better for you and that is you. At Entre Nous, we are prepared to work hard for our clients to help them achieve a better quality of life; however, we can only do that for them – if they want it. You have to have a burning desire to want a partner and not put barriers in the way to prevent it from happening.

Some people honestly believe it will happen for them, they just have to be in the right place at the right time. For example men over 45 years who say, “I know it’s only a matter of being out there.” They don’t seem to realise that they have been drifting for 25 years now and each year is going to be more difficult. The success rate of single, 50 year old men who want to have children is very low - we have seen it happen but it is rare. We occasionally see men who decide they are not going to waste their lives; they make a life changing decision to take control. They engage Entre Nous to find them a partner – at fifty. We only wish they had made that decision ten or fifteen years earlier.

Once a person is over twenty five, finding a partner becomes less easy and it is a gradual downhill journey all the way. Once a person is over thirty the chances of meeting Mr/Ms Right without assistance is about 20%; you have a one in five chance of succeeding.

My advice to anyone seeking a lifelong partner is, don’t delay. Do something about it immediately. Don’t put your life on hold. When it comes to life changing decisions, never put off until tomorrow what can be started today. Life is too short to miss out. You are the most important person in your life and it is up to you and no one else to ensure that you have a happy life. Don’t drift along, if having a partner is your first priority, put it first.

Rosalind Neville is the Principle of Entre Nous, Relationship Consultants & Educators and a student and Ridley College, University of Melbourne.