Fear of Rejection

For many of us, overcoming the fear of rejection is no different to overcoming any other fear. It may seem more difficult simply because we feel there is so much at stake. Inviting a woman or a man out is such a difficult thing to do for many people. One of my clients likened it to making a speech in front of thousands of people, which I think is an excellent analogy. To be a successful public speaker, one has to practice and prepare – perhaps by speaking to a very small audience and making careful preparations. Approaching a member of the opposite sex to invite them out can start along similar lines.

Firstly, one has to be able to speak to the opposite sex. You have to be comfortable talking to another person before you can invite them out with enough confidence that you will receive a positive answer. Jason was the shyest young man whom I have ever encountered at Entre Nous. He never responded to anything I said – he would simply nod. He closed his eyes when he spoke and in such a whisper I always had difficulty hearing him.

Together we worked out a strategy to not only camouflage his shyness, but to develop the confidence he needed to invite women out. It takes years to overcome shyness – and Jason did not have years. He wanted a girlfriend NOW!

We agreed that Jason would pretend he was not shy by developing the habits of a confident person and work on developing courage whilst practising speaking to women.

Jason practised courage in small ways everyday. He looked in the mirror morning and night and said to himself, “I’ve got guts, I’m game and I can be courageous”. Every time he felt nervous about something he would dare himself to do it. Whether it was approaching his boss, defending himself against others, refusing to allow queue jumpers in front of him – things he had previously not dared do. Jason soon discovered that by being courageous in small ways, he would automatically act courageously when major acts of courage were required of him.

To overcome his fear of women, he planned to speak to every woman he met, young and old, large and small, married or single, it did not matter – they were all women. At first he could not speak directly, so he would call out hello as he passed women in the corridors at work. When he bought his paper at the local shop, he would call out goodbye as he left. Before long he found the same people would speak first to him. At first he would not look at the woman who spoke to him, but then he realised it would take courage to look at her, so he did. After a few weeks, Jason began to feel comfortable speaking to women and to his amazement he had a built up a network of women who treated him as a friend.

During this time, Jason spent a great deal of time in front of a full length mirror practising standing up straight, looking directly into his own image and speaking with his eyes open. I suggested that he not look directly into people’s eyes, but just look at the end of their nose. It is less confronting. He practised and practised pretending he was not shy, adding to his repertoire a wide smile and the silent mantra, “God loves me and you are going to like me too”.

Next he wanted to invite a woman out. I assured him that all he had to do was invite her for a coffee and then for a game of tennis or something just as easy, but he had his heart set on inviting a woman to dinner. He started by inviting his mother – that was easy. A much greater challenge was his older sister, who had always ridiculed him and I am sure she had contributed to his shyness. At first she just laughed at him, but he kept asking her until she agreed to meet him for lunch at a swish restaurant in the city. Unbeknownst to Jason’s sister, the owner attended the same karate club as Jason and had given him a crash course in what wines to order with each dish and how to do it with aplomb.

His sister was most impressed with lunch. She told him he had matured and she hoped they could lunch again soon. Jason did discover he had nothing to talk about with his sister – which did not matter because she was happy to do all the talking! Jason kept wondering what would happen if the woman he invited out were shy. What would they talk about? I suggested he write up a list of his favourite films, favourite restaurants, best sporting matches he’d seen, most amusing incidents, most exciting things that had ever happened to him and the best holidays he had ever experienced. By reading his list frequently he would feel armed with topics to discuss, but rather than talk about them, he should ask his companion what were her favourite films, restaurants and so on.

Jason was well on the way to ridding himself of his shyness habits. He had become courageous in small ways, developed enough confidence that he could see himself becoming a 21st century Don Juan. It was at this stage that the girls in the office asked him to join them for drinks one evening after work and over drinks one of the women invited him for a game of tennis. The last time I heard from Jason, his tennis partner had accepted his marriage proposal and that was the end of the story. He never did become a modern day Don Juan or anything like that, but he did achieve his original goal of finding a permanent partner.

The ending to this story may seem like an anticlimax, but it is the typical ending – once a shy person develops some confidence, a member of the opposite sex will find them and before they know it they are a couple.

Rosalind Neville is the principal of Entre Nous Relationship Consultancy and Educators and a theology student at Ridley College, University of Melbourne